I see that Larry Flynt has filed to run for California Governor. And in case anyone's wondering why a feminist would link to Larry Flynt, I say why not? After all, he has the good taste to include my Dubya's Dayly Diary on his very short home page list of "Larry's Links." Which just goes to prove that flattery does get you ... uh ... never mind.
In this USAToday article detailing who's on George Bush's speed-dial, Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire is quoted as describing Bush as just a "normal guy." Two somewhat contradictory thoughts:
1. Do we really want a "normal guy" running the country?
August 1, 2003 (Humor I Wish I Wrote, Dubya Press Conference)
Did you think Humor I Wish I Wrote was history? Well it isn't, because I'm always running across stuff so funny, it makes me drool with envy. And you'll find plenty of drool-inducing humor in this, the third edition. (If you'd like to check out previous editions, the second edition is here and the first is here.)
If you have any nominations (including self-nominations) for the fourth edition, please email them to me with the subject line "Humor I Wish I Wrote."
I'm late in posting these links, but I do want to highlight some fine commentary on Bush's press conference. Eric Alterman thinks the White House press is packed with scaredy cats and DailyKos provides the questions those scaredy cats should have asked. Both Iddybud and Doublethink do a good job deconstructing Bush's performance. And for once, even the New York Times editorial page was relatively rough on Dubya.
Of course, old Dubya has a rather different opinion of his performance. And he tells you all about it in the July 31st edition of Dubya's Dayly Diary.
Murky Paul Wolfowitz by Madeleine Begun Kane
'Tis the nature of terror,
All intel is murky.
If we launch wars in error,
So what? Must deter! See?
Leave it to Blah3.com to aptly describe the latest terror warnings: "Look out! Terror experts say there may or may not be new terror attacks which may or may not involve hijacked planes which may happen in the US or somewhere else in the next few months, or not."
And speaking of parodists, Cowboy Kahlil is giving me serious song parody competition with his Your Denial's Been Blown in the Wind. Here's a bit to whet your appetite: "How many times will Saddam's sons be killed, before they are finally dead? How many times will an anchor repeat the same thing a 'reliable' source said?"
And if you happened to miss my own "Blowin in the Wind" song parody, you can find it here. Here's a snippet: "How many wars must a President start without any reason at all? How much ill will must a President cause until he at last takes the fall?"
I suffered through several minutes of Mark Levin the other day, and BusyBusyBusy has him down cold. And while you're visiting, check out some of the other amusingly insightful "shorters." You'll be glad you did.
This is unspeakably absurd: Singer-songwriter Julia Rose was banned from a Virginia Borders Books and Music store because, during a performance there, she joked about President Bush's "chicken legs."
I don't know -- was mere banishment from a single store sufficient? Surely she's a candidate for Guantanamo.
Sometimes I enjoy Maureen Dowd, and sometimes she makes me want to scream. But this piece of satire, Weapons of Mass Redaction, is a gem!
Here's an informative and entertaining site which keeps us up to date on Donald Rumsfeld's doings and, most importantly, his Rumspeak.
Although my background is primarily in classical music and law, these days I write mostly about politics. Why? Just blame Dubya! But I have to take a time-out from my political rantings and humor to recommend this extraordinarily fine arts related blog:
About Last Night.
Written by Terry Teachout, the drama critic of the Wall Street Journal and the music critic of Commentary, it's a delightful read about the arts in New York City. And don't let the NYC part stop you from visiting. It's a must-read for anyone who's interested in the arts. And I'd say that even if I hadn't spent a good part of my life working as a freelance oboist.
As long as I'm on the subject, I figured I'd plug a few humor pieces I've written that relate to classical music:
Did you know that Ann Coulter has an Ann Coulter Official Chat board, dedicated to Coulter devotees? Me neither. And I still wouldn't know it, if my Dubya's Dayly Diary hadn't suddenly started swarming with visitors from a post titled anti-Bush humor site. And in case you're wondering, the reply posts reflect just the level of intellect one might expect from Coulter devotees. Witty stuff like: "She'll be a cat-hermit in a few years." Damn! If only I could have devotees like that!
The much anticipated Ms. Magazine's Blogroll is up, and I'm proud to be included in such a terrific group of bloggers. And, while I'm familiar with and a fan of most of the listed blogs, it does include several that are new to me. I can't wait to check them out!
So thanks to Christine Cupaiuolo for doing such a great job with the blogroll (including the handy descriptions of each blog that appear in the status bar) and with Ms.Mag's ms.musings blog itself.
July 22, 2003 (White House Email System -- The Plan They Rejected)
Many people have expressed dismay at the new White House email system. But though it's certainly annoying, the one we almost got was quite a bit worse. Had relatively sane minds not prevailed, would-be emailers would have had to contend with this:
WHITE HOUSE EMAIL QUESTIONNAIRE (Secreted out of the White House & sent to Mad Kane by a very brave White House aide, whom I shall call "Deep Dubya")
In order to ensure that patriotic, God-fearing Americans are able to communicate efficiently and effectively with President George W. Bush, we have developed the following questionnaire, consisting of 13 multiple choice questions. Please email your answers to [email protected].
Your responses will be thoroughly reviewed, and if we like them, we will send you top secret contact data, which will allow you to communicate directly with staffers of President Bush's staffers' staffers.
And if we don't like your answers, don't worry. You'll be hearing from us too.
1. George W. Bush should be reelected:
(a) for four more years.
(b) for eight more years.
(c) Who needs elections?
2. The Bill of Rights:
(a) reflects the spirit of democracy.
(b) was written by communists.
(c) should be scrapped, except for the gun part.
3. The buck stops:
(a) here.
(b) there.
(c) on Bill Clinton.
4. Which statement is most accurate?
(a) No child shall be left behind.
(b) No CEO shall be left behind.
(c) No Bush shall be left behind.
5. The State of the Union Niger uranium claim was:
(a) a CIA screw-up.
(b) a speechwriter screw-up.
(c) darn good.
6. The axis of evil is:
(a) Iraq, Iran, & North Korea.
(b) France, Russia, & Old Europe.
(c) Hillary Clinton.
7. I pray:
(a) for peace on earth.
(b) as often as possible.
(c) for George Bush's reelection.
8. Which statement is most accurate?
(a) Saddam Hussein is an evildoer.
(b) Bin Laden is an evildoer.
(c) Trial lawyers are evildoers.
9. Privacy is:
(a) an essential right.
(b) over-rated.
(c) important, only if you're doing something illegal.
10. The next country we should attack is:
(a) Iran or Syria.
(b) one of the Koreas.
(c) France.
11. It's my money and I should:
(a) keep it.
(b) pay taxes on it.
(c) donate it to Bush/Cheney.
12. The media is:
(a) liberal.
(b) very liberal.
(c) treasonously liberal.
13. Had 9/11 happened during Al Gore's watch, he would have:
(a) used lots of big words.
(b) stuffed the hijackers in a lockbox.
(c) sued.
Anyway, imagine my surprise at being invited to attend The Week Magazine's luncheon forum which posed the question: Is Bush Unbeatable In 2004?
Figuring my invitation had been misaddressed, I decided to go anyway. Who could resist a panel featuring Sidney Blumenthal, Monica Crowley, Gary Hart, and Edward Rollins and moderated by Harold Evans? Hell, even the attendees (with the exception of me) were the sort rarely seen off-platform -- Ed Koch, Tina Brown, and Eric Alterman, to name just three.
On my arrival early yesterday afternoon, I was politely, but firmly directed to the riffraff section in the back. Of course, this didn't bother me at all: I was just grateful to be there. Besides, I figured that by the end of the luncheon, I'd finally have the answer to that burning question: Would I soon be needing a new ghostwriting gig?
I'm happy to report that the forum was entertaining and informative. But with one exception which I'll get to in a moment, there were no surprises. The spokesmen for the good guys ... uh ... the left ... talked substance with intelligence and wit. And those on the right were their usual rah-rah-rah "Bush has a great image," "Democrats would be foolish to challenge Bush on security" selves.
Okay, lest I sound unduly biased -- and we liberals so hate sounding biased -- Crowley's no Ann Coulter. In fact, she comes across astonishingly rational for someone who's wrong about everything. She didn't even accuse Democrats of treason!
Apparently, the poor fellow was just as bewildered as I by the seating arrangements. "Why the hell am I stuck next to you," he kept saying. "And where the (expletive deleted) is my (expletive deleted, expletive deleted) mike?"
And that's not the worst of it: On at least 3 occasions, I was forced to restrain Felber physically, as he tried to hurl himself over our table, dive across the room, and steal Ed Rollins' microphone.
Come to think of it, I probably should have stayed out of Felber's way. Cause Ed Rollins' microphone needed stealing.
I've been running on too long, so to sum things up:
(a) Bush either will or won't be reelected;
(b) I either will or won't keep my ghostwriting gig; and
(c)Adam Felber has a mean left hook.
Apparently Tony Blair isn't feeling all that generous towards Dubya these days, quite unlike the Italians and the Saudis. Or perhaps he just thinks old George needs some help in the personal hygiene department. Or maybe Blair's just sick of the Bush & Tony show.
I'm so frustrated by George Tenet's taking the African uranium fall, that I wrote George
Bush a song parody. Feel free to sing "Bush Says The Words" to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow (chorus only), using this midi link which opens a second window.
"Bush Says The Words" (to be sung to the chorus of "I Write The Songs")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I say the words that other people write.
Don't give a damn if they are wrong or right.
As long as folks think war is justified.
I say the words, I say the words.
(Fridge Break)
The CIA warned that my speech was wrong.
A certain claim just simply didn't belong.
I had to dupe and scare the milling throngs.
I say the words, I say the words.
(Bathroom Break)
No one can ever prove I meant to lie.
And that my falsehoods led our men to die.
The buck will always stop on other guys.
I say the words, I say the words.
(Cocktail Break)
The Dems would love to me and Dick impeach.
They claim I've lied and that I overreach.
Just let them try -- I'll Dems a lesson teach.
I say the words, I say the words.
(Sex Break)
It doesn't matter what I say or do.
How many people's lives are lost or ruined.
Or that my cowboy talk is rarely true.
I say the words, I say the words.
Will there be a shoot-out at the G-Dub corral? It sure looks that way -- a fight for survival between George Tenet and Condoleezza Rice. The stakes? Who takes the fall for the SOTU uranium lies.
Condy's now asserting that the specific wording was approved by the CIA. Of course, she adds that the "White House 'absolutely' had confidence in CIA Director George Tenet, saying he had served 'very well.'" Yeah, right -- no doubt Dubya backs him one-thousand percent.
Rice, dutifully covering for her "Buck Doesn't Stop Here" boss, also "said no one had expressed any doubts to Bush about the information underlying the National Intelligence Estimate, a report that has input from the 13 U.S. spy agencies and includes consensus and dissenting opinions."
I sure hope Tenet kept good records! Cause I'd love to see Condy go down and take her boss down with her. (Via Buzzflash, which also discusses CBS's headline change from "Bush Knew Iraq Info Was False" to "Bush Knew Iraq Info Was Dubious.")
Update: Damn! Tenet wussed out and took the fall. I am sooooooooooooo depressed!
Sorry to be so quiet lately! I guess I'm having trouble recovering from July 4th-itis. However, if you'd like to know Dubya's deep
African thoughts, I did manage to update Dubya's Dayly Diary.
If you have any nominations (including self-nominations) for the third edition of Humor I Wish I Wrote -- stuff that not only makes me laugh, it makes me drool with envy -- please send them my way. (The second edition is here and the first edition is here.)
Do-Re-Mi Dems (to be sung to "Doe, A Deer")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Howard Dean's the man to beat.
Dennis made a decent run.
Kerry's race went straight to hell.
Edwards isn't having fun.
Dick will never pull ahead.
Graham, he barely even showed.
Braun should put her run to bed.
As for Joe & Al, say no!
It's Thursday, which means it's time for the next (2nd) edition of Humor I Wish I Wrote -- stuff that not only makes me laugh, it makes me drool with envy. (The first edition is here.) Here are this week's selections:
The new web site Progressive Punch looks to be very useful. It gives a progressiveness ranking to every member of Congress, based on thousands of congressional votes, on issues from labor to environment, taxes to war, dating back to 1991.
Name GW Bush's weblog: Bush doesn't have a weblog yet, and he might never have one. But, just in case it's in the works, let's all chip in and help Bush name his weblog.
Bush has had a blog since the day he took office: Dubya's Dayly Diary. Of course he's way too busy cutting taxes for the wealthy and creating quagmires, to do the actual blog-work. So he uses a ghostwriter. (Thanks to Stephen Bates for alerting me to this grievous error.)
Good Reads:
In A Nation of Victims Renana Brooks does a great job analyzing Bush's "mastery of emotional language--especially negatively charged emotional language--as a political tool," his "intentional use of language to dominate others," and his "inducing learned helplessness in the electorate." (Via Blah3.com)
I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but The Bush Doctrine At Risk leaves me no choice: Right On George Will! (This surprising exercise in intellectual honesty was first spotted at Blah3.com.)
Quote of the Day: "I've often been asked, 'What are you most afraid of?' A lot of people will say germ warfare or nukes, cancer, AIDS, narcotics, stuff like that. It's not that those aren't on the list, because they are. But what really scares me to death is a man or a woman without a sense of humor." (Jonathan Winters, in a profile by Mike Sager in AARP Magazine -- July/August 2003 article, apparently not online.)
Congratulations to Kim Osterwalderover at Freepie on her cello purchase. (Scroll to June 19.) I could relate to her hunt for a darker sound cello, having engaged in a similar hunt for a darker sounding oboe. Although unlike Kim, I'd never have the nerve to shop for a musical instrument through the Net.
Rob Humenik's GetDonkey presents its first Weekly Weasel Award to... Hell, you're just gonna have to visit him to find out. Hint -- it's one of many deserving Republicans.
And speaking of awards, you'll want to check out the current edition of the always entertaining and informative Top Ten Conservative Idiots.
Today I'm introducing a new weekly feature: Humor I Wish I Wrote -- stuff that not only makes me laugh, it makes me drool with envy. Here are this week's selections, in no particular order. They all made me laugh ... a lot!
I'm not usually big on charts (they tend to hurt my head) but this graphic analysis of the 2004 Democratic candidate sites should prove to be a very valuable resource. It tracks the online campaigning practices of the 2004 presidential primary candidates and ... well ... you just have to check it out yourself. (Via PoliticsOnline's NetPulse.)
And for those of you who may be wondering, Oprah's book club revival hasn't changed my mind about this.
Roger Ailes -- the "Good One" -- does a terrific dissection job on the Jessica Lynch mythology, as perpetrated by "Steno Sue" of the Washington Post and her "correction" story. (Scroll down to "Covering Sue," June 17, 2003.)
The witty and informative Steve Bates (best known for his delightful doggerel) has posted a classics page, and the first entry's a winner. It's a Gilbert & Sullivan song parody, which begins: "I am the very model of dispassionate conservative..." This excellent Election 2000 parody remains as insightful and valid today as it was when he wrote it.
Wow! If you only read one article all week, this one about former Bush aide Rand Beers has to be it. Not only has this former top Bush counterterrorism adviser become a volunteer national security adviser to Senator John Kerry, but he's exposing Bush's war on terror as a sham. Among other things, he says the Bush administration is "underestimating the enemy," " has failed to address the root causes of terror," and that the "difficult, long-term issues both at home and abroad have been avoided, neglected or shortchanged and generally underfunded."
Will Democrats ever get their act together and figure out how to challenge George Dubya Bush? Perhaps the election campaign anthem I wrote for them will help bring Congressional leaders and presidential candidates to their senses. Feel free to sing my Democrats' Anthem: Election 2004 to "Blowin' In The Wind" by Bob Dylan, using this midi link which opens a second window.
"Democrats' Anthem: Election 2004" (to be sung to "Blowin' In The Wind")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
How many wars must a President start
Without any reason at all?
How much ill will must a President cause
Until he at last takes the fall?
How many wars must a President launch
Because he is greedy for oil?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
How many lies must a President tell
Before he's impeached or in jail?
How many truths must a President twist
Before he's thrown out on his tail?
How many lies must a President tout
That lead to much death and despair?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
How many lives must a President wreck
Through job loss and taxation scams?
How many lives must a President ruin
Through school cuts and health care be damned?
How many lives must a President wreck
Before he's exposed as a sham?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
How many times must a President feign
Concern for the sick and the poor?
How many times must a President fake
Compassion till he's shown the door?
How much foul air must a President cause
Till Green folks say he's worse than Gore?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
How much nuke waste must a President lose
While busily guarding the oil?
How many times must a President shun
His duties and go off AWOL?
How much nuke waste must a President lose
While claiming he's evil ones foiled?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
How many times must a President smirk
While signing away all our rights?
How many times must a President hide
Behind macho cowboy-like lines?
How much abuse must a President do
Of office until we indict?
The answer my friend is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
The answer is dump Republicans.
If the very mention of a nun puts you in a confessional mood (or even if it doesn't) you'll want to visit Clinton Made Me Do It.
I've finally managed to put together a selection of popular posts: Reader Favorites. Not surprisingly, most are song parodies. There's a permanent link to my Reader Favorites near the top of this page.
But here's the thing -- I'd never put together such a list, because for some reason I can't quite define, it would feel weird to me. So what I'm wondering is: Why does a best women bloggers list seem okay to me, while a best men bloggers list seem strange or inappropriate or, perhaps, simply unnecessary? Does feeling that way make me sexist? Does my feeling say something about gender among bloggers and/or in society as a whole? And if so, what?
I don't have a comments section, but I do have a Message Board.
Several sites and blogs were kind enough to announce that I've relaunched my satirical Dubya's Dayly Diary. I really appreciate it, because a three-month hiatus isn't easy to recover from.
Regions of Mind, the excellent blog by Geitner Simmons, whom I'm proud to call a friend, has a new address. (Geitner is an editorial writer with the Omaha World-Herald.)
As my regular readers know, my mother recently had a very long hospitalization. I'm happy to report that she's now recovered and is doing great! I'm also happy to report that her recovery has allowed me to relaunch my Dubya's Dayly Diary.
June 6, 2003 (Happy Silver Wedding Anniversary To Us!)
I've been a blog laggard lately, but I have a great excuse: On June 4th hubby Mark and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.
Gee, thanks so much for thinking I look way too young to be married 25 years. You weren't thinking that? Oh. Ya can't give a girl (okay, woman) a break and pretend you were thinking that? That's much better!
Anyway, we had a great celebration, thanks to Mark's romantic proclivities. We spent our anniversary night at the Essex House -- the same Central Park South hotel where we spent our first night of wedded bliss. Mark booked the hotel plus Broadway show tickets for Billy Joel and Twyla Tharp's Movin' Out as a surprise. And he really pulled it off -- I had no idea where we were going until we got there.
The Essex House revisited was a delight, as was the show, whose 10 Tony nominations are well deserved.
I have to admit that, although I'm a huge Billy Joel fan, I was having trouble imagining a Broadway show with no dialogue or on-stage singing. But it was astonishingly effective! So, if you get to New York, Movin' Out's a "must see." And at the very least, be sure to catch the cast performing at the Tony Awards this Sunday night plus
Billy Joel's live-at-Time-Square show opener: "New York State of Mind."
On Thursday night we continued our celebration by seeing an improv show -- Chicago City Limits. It was very entertaining, although I'd hoped for more political humor. But the one political song parody they did -- Korea, sung to Maria, about Dubya's longing to go to war with Korea, was excellent. It's my kind of humor, and the whole time they were performing it I was berating myself for not thinking of it first.
And speaking of politics, I love this story about the lying contest winner who plans a career in politics. It sounds like he has all the qualifications he needs. (Via Amish Tech Support)
Equally irresistible is this latest example of Bush administration logic: In response to those who dare doubt Bush & Co.'s Iraq WMD claims, Donald Rumsfeld said, "We haven't found Saddam Hussein, and I don't know anyone who's running around saying he didn't exist."
Yup, that should put an end to all those pesky (not to mention, unpatriotic) questions.
If your computer's turned sluggish, there's a good chance it's packed with spyware. But you needn't panic. There's an excellent and free remedy available from Lavasoft called Ad-aware which I downloaded last week to great effect. My laptop, in particular, seems to have discovered the fountain of 'puter youth. It'd make Ponce de Leon proud.
Here's some Google weirdness that Google URLogist David Weinberger may find interesting: When you do a Google search for Lacy Peterson, the first two results send people to my site. What makes this especially bizarre is that until now, I've never mentioned Lacy Peterson on this blog or anywhere else on MadKane.com. No Lacy Peterson song parodies. No Lacy Peterson satirical poems. No fake interviews with her widower. Not even a Dubya's Dayly Diary Lacy Peterson wisecrack.
So what gives? As it turns out, my Message Board (which is dominated by virulent arguments between right-wingers and liberals), somehow ended up with a Lacy Peterson discussion wing. And that's where Google sends 'em. Go figure!
Update: Yes, I know Lacy should be spelled Laci. But a ton of people (including some news sources who should know better) think it's spelled Lacy and are having a nice discussion about the case on my site.
Hubby Mark and I had a ball at Joe's Pub last night seeing the great singer, pianist & songwriter Marcia Ball. If you don't know who she is, picture Dr. John as a tall, slim, 40-plus female who plays Cajun piano at least as well as Dr. John and sings infinitely better. She also has a solid streak of liberal politics plus the guts to make some anti-Bush administration, pro-Dixie Chicks comments in the middle of her concert.
I got a chance to talk with her briefly backstage, and she's as charming and down to earth as she is talented. All I can say is see her live, if you can, and buy her recordings. Her latest is So Many Rivers.
Feeling vulnerable and paranoid, and who isn't these days? Well, if you're a woman, you may soon be able to buy yourself an attack jacket, an "anti-assault device" that "wards off potential assailants with an 80,000-volt electric shock." Let the lawsuits begin. (Via 1do3)
Wow! Truth Is Better will come in very handy, the next time you need to counter GOP propaganda and Bushie lies with the truth.
Here's an interesting form of torture: Metallica, as a US interrogation tactic. According to the Guardian, "US military interrogators are using unorthodox musical techniques to extract information about weapons of mass destruction of fugitive Ba'athist leaders from their detainees - a fearsome mix of Metallica and Barney the Dinosaur." Don't try this at home.
As I mentioned yesterday, two high profile Bush appointees have resigned this week. Yesterday's post included my ode to Ari Fleischer's departure, so it's only fair that I give equal time (or tune) to Christie Whitman. Feel free to sing "Christie Whitman Went To Town" to "Yankee Doodle," using this midi link.
Christie Whitman Went To Town (to be sung to "Yankee Doodle")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Christie Whitman went to town
To do George Dubya's bidding.
For power acted like a clown,
Enviro head unfitting.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.
Arsenic in the water seemed
To be the right solution.
When Bush said standards were too high
Chris gave him absolution.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.
EPA staff quit in droves
Cause Christie fueled pollution.
Yes, Whitman did a lot for Rove:
Enviro regs dilution.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.
Christie Whitman came to town,
She said she was a greenie.
But Christie failed to push for bills
That had enviro leaning.
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.
Global warming was her beat,
But Christie wasn't worried.
So what if Bush's policies
Would get us dead and buried?
Those who've smelled New Jersey's stink
Got what they expected.
Water that's unsafe to drink
And air that should be tested.
The inimitable Larry Simon over at Amish Tech Support gave me quite a scare yesterday. He revoked the title he once bestowed on me -- "The Weird Al of the Blogosphere" -- because of "the overwhelmingly leftist slant" of my recent parodies. I'm afraid I'll have to plead guilty as charged.
The good news is he gave me a spanking new, equally fine title: "The Mark Russell of the Blogosphere." Thanks Larry! I appreciate it, and it's probably a better fit. Besides, with all the terrific song parodies, you've written, I'll happily cede the "Weird Al of the Blogosphere" title to you.
Of course, I couldn't let Ari give up his Dubya spokesman gig, without writing a song parody in his honor. Feel free to sing along, using this midi link.
Ari, Ari (to be sung to "Monday, Monday," by John Phillips -- The Mamas and the Papas.)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ari, Ari,
Please don't leave me.
Ari, Ari,
You were all I hoped you would be.
Oh, Ari, Ari,
Ari, Ari, please guarantee
Through reelection you will still be here with me.
Ari, Ari,
Love your bald pate.
Ari, Ari,
And that you don't equivocate.
One Monday morning you gave me a warning
Of what is to be.
Oh, Ari, Ari, you can't leave. I'm not home free.
Love the things you say,
Love your spinning ways,
Love the things you say, all your gaggle lines, yeah.
Cause whatever questions come,
Yes, whatever questions come,
We can find you spinning all of the time.
Ari, Ari,
You're newly wed.
Ari, Ari,
Guess you want more down time in bed.
But Ari, Ari,
Ari, Ari, they'll say you fled.
And if you leave me who will keep the press misled?
Ari, Ari,
Love how you talk.
Ari, Ari,
Though you come from evil New Yawk.
Oh, Ari, Ari,
Ari, Ari, you just can't go.
Cause if you leave me I will really miss you so.
It's official: Blogging's no longer avant-garde. How do I know? Because the perennially behind-the-times New York Times SundayStyles section did, not one, but two blogging stories yesterday: Dating a Blogger, Reading All About It and A New York State of Blog. So what's next -- a cover feature on the macarena?
Did "Boy Genius" Karl Rove screw up? Or is Alabama too unimportant to rate a Bush ballot listing?
Slate's Jack Shafer has an interesting perspective on the Jayson Blair affair, as does Cut on the Bias. This latest journalism scandal reminds me of a satirical piece about "creative" journalists I wrote in 1999 for Shesgotittogether.com:
What, Me Lie? By Madeleine Begun Kane
I shouldn't have been surprised by the fact checker's call. Yet another columnist (this one in Arizona) has been accused of making stuff up. And whenever that happens, publications tend to worry they'll be next. So they put their fact checkers on overtime, leading to conversations like this:
"We're doing credibility checks for all our columnists," my caller said. "I'm afraid I'll have to ask you a few questions."
"No problem," I said, feigning confidence. "Go ahead and ask."
"Do you recall that Utah mountain climbing piece you wrote in 1996? The one where your husband Mark gets you lost, you almost get killed, and you crawl down the mountain derriere first?"
"How could I forget?"
"It isn't true, is it?"
"Of course it's true. I still have scars."
"I see," she said, sounding rather disturbed. "What about the columns about the motor boat incident and the river tubing disaster? And the one where Mark leaves you stranded with a flat tire. Surely they're not true too!"
"They all happened just the way I said. Ask my husband -- he'll confirm every word."
"But the one where Mark tries to fix your shower and turns your bathroom into a swimming pool -- surely that one's fiction."
"That column's true too," I answered as calmly as I could. By now I was extremely annoyed ... at my husband.
"And the 1997 column about the third time Mark lost your...?"
"I don't have time for more questions. I have to find a divorce lawyer."
"That's okay. I think I have everything I need," she said. "Our managing editor will be in touch soon."
Sure enough, he called a few days later. "I have bad news," he said. "I hate to do this, but I'm terminating your contract."
"I don't understand," I protested. "My column generates lots of email. Some of it's even good."
"You're right. But we've been checking up on you, and you have serious credibility problems."
"What do you mean?"
"You're supposed to be a humorist, but most of your columns are true."
"It's not my fault I lead such a funny life. Besides, I occasionally exaggerate. And sometimes I out and out lie."
"That's not good enough. I have to let you go."
"But Dave Barry gets to say 'I'm not making this up,' from time to time. Why can't I?"
"Because I know Dave Barry, and you're no Dave Barry."
"Please," I begged. "Give me another chance. I'll do anything you say."
"Will you write a heartfelt letter apologizing to our readers?"
"Of course."
"And from now on I'll need affidavits from your husband vouching for the inaccuracy of your columns."
I hesitated, wondering if Mark would cooperate. Maybe it wasn't too late to pull the plug on that divorce complaint.
"I'll make sure he signs them," I said. "Anything else?"
"One last thing: Promise me that all your future columns will be 100% fact-free."
"That's impossible."
"You don't have any choice. I have hundreds of would-be columnists begging for your slot."
"At least give me a plus or minus 10% margin of error."
"You've got yourself a deal," he said. "It's nice to have you back."
"It's nice to be back. Thanks!"
"I'll expect a new column in my e-mail box by 5 P.M. tomorrow. Make sure it's funny and it's false."
The line went dead before I could respond. But I'm pleased to say I delivered that column on time. And that I either am -- or am not -- making this up.
I never blog about sports scandals, let alone high school sports scandals. But how can I resist one that involves Massapequa High School -- my alma mater?
Yes, I confess -- I hail from the famous and/or infamous Massapequa -- Massapequa Park, to be precise -- and graduated from Massapequa High School. And no, I most definitely am not going to tell you when.
Or perhaps you recall the late night joke fodder of many a comic and talk show host -- Joey Buttafuoco and Jim Bakker-temptress Jessica Hahn.
For some reason, Massapequa has far more than its fair share of famous hometowners. Seinfeld, Buttafuoco, and Hahn not enough for you? We also have the Baldwin brothers, Ron Kovic, Steve Guttenberg, Brian Setzer (Stray Cats), Marvin Hamlisch, Dee Snyder (Twisted Sister), and Peggy "Read My Lips" Noonan. What on earth did they put in Massapequa's water?
I'm a Dixie Chicks fan, so I've been itching to comment on their PC (patriotic correctness) brouhaha. (I'm not sure who originated the phrase "patriotic correctness," but I love it.) I dedicate "Traitor" Chicks Serenade to the Dixie Chicks and hope you'll enjoy singing it to Lollipop, written by Beverly Ross and Julius Dixon and first performed by the Chordettes. Feel free to use this midi link.
"Traitor" Chicks Serenade" (to be sung to "Lollipop")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
So when they try to sing and play and dance,
Man, they haven't got a chance.
Did a nudie cover pose, tell you why,
They're using humor to combat the lies.
The wingnuts diss 'em till they can't see straight,
Though those Dixie Chicks are great!
Better a band is tough to spot,
Rockabilly, country or jazz.
If we had free speech, they'd still be hot.
Instead the Chicks are razzed.
Traitor Chicks!
Springsteen tried to help 'em out, took a risk.
The right wing freaked and Jersey Bruce they Fisked.
They urged fake patriots to CDs burn.
Concert dates they said to spurn.
Banished from the radio for their sins.
It makes no difference all their big prize wins.
Bush fans will diss 'em till they can't see straight.
Though the Dixie Chicks are great.
Branded as disloyal, and I'll tell you why,
Cause anti-Bush words righties can't abide.
Some even used to think those Chicks were great.
Now the Dixie Chicks don't rate.
Acted contrite, but how they failed!
Pious types just want them in jail.
Gals who don't support George Bush's wars.
Must surely be big whores.
Evil Whores!
Spare us from those chickenhawks, George and Dick.
The men in charge, that voters did not pick.
And George Bush worshippers who think he's czar, and
Want the Chicks from radio barred.
