Bob Newhart Names Madeleine Begun Kane Winner of Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor

I hope you enjoy my humor columns, limericks, haiku, and cartoons related to physical health, fitness, and mental health. You'll find lots of health humor, light verse, and limericks here by Madeleine Begun Kane:

• An Old Story
  "If you�d like to feel old, here�s a way�
  Besides all those aches and that gray..."

• Cold Limerick
  "A gal with a terrible cold
  Kept waiting for meds to take hold..."

• Bugged
  "Some insect made a sandwich
  Of my knuckle, it appears.
  My index finger hurts so much,
  My eyes are raining tears..."

• Change Is Good???
  "My allergy�s fine while inside.
  I�ve no problem when outdoors I stride..."

• Limerick Ode to �I Love My Dentist Day�
  "Some holidays offer delight,
  And others are likely to bite..."

• Sunny Limerick
  "I confess that I�m really not one
  To use sunscreen, but please don�t make fun..."

• Cursing's Healthy, I Swear!
  "New research, Brit experts declare,
  Has revealed that it�s healthy to swear..."

• Exchangeable Views
  "The Republican stance is still no:
  �Obamacare�s bad and must go..."

• Healthy Complaint
  "Dark choc�late, caffeine, and red wine
  Might harm us, or may be just fine. ..."

• Medicare Mishigas (Limerick) "In the 'fiscal cliff' negotiations, Republicans are irrationally demanding a hike in the Medicare eligibility age � what Nancy Pelosi refers to as 'a trophy that the Republicans want...'�

• Slippery Limerick
  "A fellow who just let it slip
  That his wife got a tuck and a nip ..."

• Romney�s Fact-Free Universe Isn�t Healthy (Limerick)
  "Mitt Romney says nobody dies
  For lack of insurance. He lies! ..."

• De-Stress or Distress? "Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? Here's what not to do..."

• Sun-Tanned Limerick
  "A gal with a very deep tan
  Was hoping to pick up a man. ..."

• Nude Yoga? Yikes!
  "Take a yoga class naked? How scary!
  I confess that the thought makes me wary. ..."

• How To Become An Insomniac "Becoming an insomniac isn't as easy as it might appear. But with the help of these guidelines, dark circles and a cranky disposition will soon be yours..."

• Trendy Men, Heal Thyselves!
  "High heels worn by men on the rise?
  I�m warning you guys, that ain�t wise. ..."

• Sleepy Haiku
  "My thoughts skip around
  like out-of-control children�
  scaring sleep away. ..."

• Limerick Ode To A Vigorous Old Lady
  "An old lady with spring in her walk,
  Moved so quickly that people would gawk..."

• Raw Limerick
  "Raw veggies are healthy, they say.
  We�re advised to eat tons ev�ry day. ..."

• Healthy Limerick

• Snow Job "Who needs to join a gym when you own a home in New York and experience � pardon my French � winter! Cardio? Check. Muscle building? Check...."

• Keeping Abreast Of Breast Gazing "One of my Facebook pals recently linked a Med-Guru article touting a breast-gazing study. Its conclusion? Staring at breasts is good for your health and increases your life expectancy. Just one problem � the study�s apparently a hoax or urban myth. ..."

• Lame Limerick
  "A guy with his foot in a cast
  Was driving his car way too fast. ..."

• Whimsical Limerick
  "A woman succumbed to a whim
  And enrolled in an overpriced gym. ..."

• Are Health Studies Making Us Sick? "Here we go again: Yet another scientific study says many of us should have ignored a previous study. ..."

• Chuck Grassley Upchucks Hypocrisy "Senator Chuck Grassley, one of healthcare reform�s most vocal opponents, has outdone himself. He�s now trying to take credit for portions of the Affordable Health Care For America Act, bragging that he authored the good parts. ..."

• ADD Ode (Limerick)
  �Hey, doc, have I got ADD?
  My attention span�s short as can be. ..."

• Republicans: Stuck Between Their Crock And A Hard Place "When it comes to health reform, Republicans are stuck between their crock and a hard place. ..."

• Don't Put These Limericks On Your Headstones
  "If your doc says, �Go under the knife.
  Only surgery�s saving your life.� ..."

• Dental Deal "Does the very thought of a dentist set your teeth on edge? Is pudding too challenging to chew? This contract should help mitigate your pain."

• Mitt Romney: Constitutionally Confused "Credit where credit is due: When it comes to self-contradiction, Mitt Romney is both fearless and peerless. ..."

• Healthy, Or Half-Baked? (Limerick)
  "My spouse likes to lie in the sun,
  Absorbing those rays just for fun. ..."

• Doc Mockery
  "A nervous young fellow named Phil
  Asked his doc if he needed a will. ...�

• A Fountain Of Face-Yoga Youth? (Limerick)
  �Can yoga de-wrinkle your face?
  Your forehead and frown lines erase? ...�

• Ode To Unselfishness (Limerick)
  "My husband is great�good as gold.
  And there�s no one more giving, I�m told. ..."

• Republican Trials (Limerick) "For a party that�s always lambasting trial attorneys and activist judges, Republicans sure are litigious. ..."

• Addled Threats "Now that health reform has passed, Republicans are angrier than ever. ..."

• �Deem and Pass� Ditty My limerick explains the real reason 'deem and pass' health reform plans were abandoned.

• Dressing Down The President "Removing the Medicare buy-in from the Senate health reform bill (to appease Senator Lieberman) was the last straw for Howard Dean. Dean says, �Kill the Senate Bill,� and I�m inclined to agree. ..."

• �No-Man� Joe "When it comes to health care reform, Joe Lieberman is acting like a petulant baby: �Wah, wah, wah! Dump the public option, or I filibuster. So there!� ..."

• Vibrant Vibrator Play (Limerick) "A period play about vibrators? It sounds like an unlikely theme for a Broadway play, but playwright Sarah Ruhl pulls it off in her In the Next Room or the vibrator play, about hysteria, a 'disease of the womb.' ..."

• Stupak Stupidity "The Republican National Committee, the wingnutty Focus on the Family, and both groups� donors are abortion-loving baby killers. Yes, I was shocked too. But it�s true, if you follow the thought process behind the Stupak Amendment to its logical conclusion. ..."

• Stewing Over Stupak "This feminist is furious over the abortion-coverage-banning Stupak Amendment to the House health care reform bill. And no, Stupak isn�t a Hyde Amendment-equivalent. It�s the Hyde Amendment on steroids. ..."

• �Short On Facts� Fox "One of the silliest Republican (and Fox News) talking points is that the Democratic health reform bill is too long. ..."

• A Limerick For Traitor Joe "Traitor Joe Lieberman is back to his old tricks, once again trying to undermine Democrats. ..."

• Bathing In Bad News "Just when you thought it was safe to take a shower, here�s a health scare that would make Alfred Hitchcock turn pale: ..."

• Bystander President? "Recent comments by Sen. Jay Rockefeller and others indicate that a strong public option could become a reality, if only President Obama stopped being a Bystander President. ..."

• Balking At The Baucus Bill "Wendell Potter, the former health insurance industry executive-turned-whistleblower, presents a scathing analysis of the Max Baucus health reform plan. ..."

• Tantrum Politics "Planning to attend a local town hall meeting about health care reform? Hoping to learn something and to express your opinion? Well, be sure to bring a pair of ear plugs. Because the only thing you�re likely to hear is an enraged, screaming mob. ..."

• Ode To Senator Judd �Majority Rules, Except When It Doesn�t� Gregg "New Hampshire�s Senator Judd Gregg, a big �majority rules� fan back when Republicans held the majority, has suddenly become a minority rights advocate. ..."

• An Open Limerick To President Obama " Watching Republicans out-maneuver President Obama on �bi-partisan� health care reform has been so painful, I sometimes feel forced to avert my eyes. ..."

• Republicans Were For �Death Panels� Before They Were Against Them "Republican hypocrisy is stunning. Almost everyone who�s been throwing around the �death panel� epithet used to have a very different opinion of end-of-life-care planning: ..."

• Waterloo Lies
  "The GOP�s spreading big lies
  To ensure that our health reform dies ...."

• Steeley Plan For Health Care "Life would be ever so much easier, if only RNC Chairman Michael Steele had Barack Obama�s gig. For instance, we�d be able to solve our health care problems in a nanosecond. ...�

• Ode To Tropical Breeze Colonoscopies "It wasn�t bad enough that Sen. Jeff Sessions cited �tropical breezes� in extolling the glories of Gitmo. Now we have Sen. Jim Inhofe bragging about Gitmo�s health care � colonoscopies for inmates over fifty-five. Whoopee! ...�

• Secession? Did I Say Secession? (Limerick) "For such a fan of secession, Texas Gov. Rick Perry sure is quick to ask for federal bucks. Hurricane disaster assistance? Check. Antiviral medications to combat swine flu? Check. ...�

• Can�t Win An Argument On The Merits? Just Use The �Distraction� Gambit. (Limerick) �Republicans love to attack Obama�s initiatives by claiming they�re distractions from his �fix the economy� job. Apparently, if the economy continues to tank, it�s because he wasted all that time signing an executive order opening up stem cell research. ...�

• Dental Verse
  �I think I�m becoming unglued �
  Not my mind, but a cap caught on food. ...�

• �Dear Son� Letters (Limerick)
  �Whenever my husband gets mail
  From his mom, this is true without fail: ...�

• Healthy Verse (Limerick and Haiku)
  "Maladjusted men sometimes say, �Doc,
  Chiropractic is naught but a crock. ..."

• Sleepless In Bayside
  "My husband can catnap at will,
  And my jealous reaction is shrill. ..."

• Ode To John �Air-Quotes� McCain "Sarcastic air-quotes around �health� in �health of the mother�? ...�

• Why So Quiet? A Limerick Explanation
  "This space has been quiet of late.
  But it�s not that my readers don�t rate. ..."

• Ode To A Letter Opener (Tanka)

• Pedestrian Poems (Limerick and Haiku)
  "Oh WALK light, you change way too fast.
  Your pedestrian green doesn�t last. ..."

• This Haiku Has Legs

• SCHIP Haiku "At long last, the real reason George W. Bush vetoed SCHIP..."

• Fishing For Company "I�m an insomniac and I must admit to taking a bit of solace at learning from a podcast that 'zebrafish - a common aquarium pet - can have a genetic mutation linked to sleep problems.' ..."

• Obstreperous Verse
  "An obstreperous fellow named Joe
  Picked a fight with a long-standing foe ...�

• Bush Stems Progress (Haiku)

• This Is A Warning
  "Please be careful when closing that door.
  If it hits you, you�re bound to be sore. ..."

• Weeding Out Crazy Lawsuits ("As a result of a neighbor�s lawsuit, a Swedish woman can no longer smoke in most of her garden. (And you thought the United States was a litigious country.) ..."

• A Biting Limerick (Limerick)
  "'Ow! My tooth aches,' a man told the nurse,
  Whose answer was biting and terse: ..."

• Is Mental Health Overrated? (Limerick)
  "There once was a drunken, loud fellow
  Who ordered his drinks with a bellow. ..."

• Tacky Verse (Limerick)
  "These armchairs are tacky and lack
  Sound support for my weary old back. ..."

• Give Me A Break! (Limerick)
  "The play was quite talky and lacked
  Something crucial. It had but one act. ..."

• Ode To Ambling (Limerick)
  "Deserting my day-to-day scramble
  When the weather is nice, I will amble ..."

• Attention Wal-Mart ... Patients?
  "Wal-Mart is marketing health care
  Via clinics in stores. Near the hardware? ..."

• Ode To Genetically Altered Cats
  "Do cats make you suffer and wheeze?
  There�s a cure for some real hefty fees: ..."

• Why Does George Bush Hate Our Troops?
  "Where�s the medical aid for our troops?
  When they�re injured, they�re treated like dupes. ..."

• How To Disorganize Your Life

• Read His Lips: Tax The Middle Class
  "George Bush has at last found a tax
  That he�s fond of and backs to the max: ..."

• Rush Limbaugh Verse
  " Limbaugh maligned Michael Fox,
  Who is ill and admired and rocks. ..."

• Ode To Spinach

• Mugged By Dub's Drug Program -- Limerick
  "Dub's drug program's chock full of bugs.
  It's a gift to insurance co thugs..."

• Dopey Decision Explained In Verse
  "How dare you smoke that evil grass!
  Your pain is no excuse.
  The doctor who prescribed your weed,
  We'll string up with a noose..."

• Ode To Starbucks (Humor column about cappuccino addiction, the Starbucks revolution, and life in Bayside, Queens, New York)

• Election News Alert "Health care professionals throughout the United States are bracing for a severe outbreak of National Election Withdrawal Syndrome..."

• Margarine Is Good For You. Oops -- Never Mind. "It's hard to follow the news lately without reading some scientific red alert about an everyday food. Not long ago, for instance, The Center for Science in the Public Interest announced that pastries are bad for you. All I can say is: Exactly -- that's why we eat them..."

• Garbage Out, Garbage In "How would you like to own a precocious trash bin? If Ohio based NCR Corp. has its way, your next garbage can will have a higher IQ than you..."

• Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy "In the wake of the terrorist attacks on the United States, political humor has virtually disappeared, replaced by patriotic platitudes. Deprived of their customary targets, late night TV talk show hosts are at their wits' end, struggling to find a new humorous voice that entertains without offending. So it's not surprising that Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher have sought comic relief in group therapy. Here's the transcript of their first joint therapy session, leaked to me by someone I'll simply call Deep Doc..."

• George Dubya Bush Channeler Seeks Therapy "Doctor's Notes: An unusually difficult first session. Patient was referred by Employer law firm, who has placed Patient on indefinite mental health leave. HR files furnished by Employer report erratic behavior dating back eight months, including: 1. Patient refused to address sundry judges as "Your Honor" on seven occasions, leading to..."

• It Is Hereby Resolved "What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?"

• Prez Priorities (Comic Strip)

• Bush The Compassionate (Comic Strip)

• Sacred Bush (Comic Strip)

• Poppy Psychology (Comic Strip)

• Dub's Helenic Wars (Comic Strip)

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