Do you need some holiday guidance? Are you looking for Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day survival tips? Then you're definitely in the wrong place. But if you want a few seasonal laughs about gift giving, office party torture, Valentine's Day, tax time, the rites of spring, and miscellaneous holiday hilarity, you've surfed onto the right page. I hope you enjoy the holiday humor, light verse, and limericks by Madeleine Begun Kane.
Office Party Follies "There are few "fun" activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape..."
Passing Over Some Rules "Though I�m Jewish, I�m still eating bread
And refuse to munch matzo instead..."
Mad Gift Giving Guide "Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing. And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn't buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it's on sale..."
A Fool's Errand "It�s alarmingly easy to lose
One�s sense of what�s true, so peruse..."
Limerick Ode To Edward Lear "Mother�s Day isn�t this week�s only important holiday. What else is there? International Limerick Day, of course, which celebrates the May 12th birthday of Edward Lear. ..."
Guilt Springs Eternal "Spring has arrived. Do you feel guilty yet? If not, you apparently don't read women's magazines. Every March and April they're packed with "clean up and organize your life" articles. Stories with catchy titles like Spring Into Action -- Tidy Up Your House. Or Wash Away Winter Blues. Or Banish Clutter Now; Otherwise We'll Keep Torturing You With Articles Meant to Make you Feel Like A Slothful Bum. Personally, I'd rather read Why Clean? It Will Only Get Dirty Again Tomorrow..."
Ms. Legal Person Answers Your Holiday Questions "Ms. Legal Person returns by popular demand with advice for the holiday season. "Your free help was worth every penny," wrote one satisfied reader. "Do you have malpractice insurance?" wrote ... oops, wrong letter..."
Chance Meeting (Wedding Anniversary Limerick "My wonderful husband Mark and I are celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary today. Happy anniversary Mark! This limerick is my gift to you. (How�s that for getting off cheap?) ..."
Valentine's Day Verse (Limerick & Haiku)
�St. Valentine�s Day�s coming soon.
It�s a choc�late and rose-sellers� boon. ...�
Valiant Guy's Guide To Valentine's Day "Attention guys -- it's time to get ready for Valentine's Day. After all, you don't want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn't think so..."
Save Me From Daylight Savings Time "Are you as sick as I am of our twice-yearly clock-adjustment ritual? Do you think, as I do, that we have more than enough daylight and that there�s no need to save any? ..."
Taxing Times "My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:
Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week.
By late March we've made impressive progress:
Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You're absolutely right. I'll pick up Quicksand's ShirkoTax this week..."
Dear Spring (Limerick)
"Dear spring, you are late once again.
Yet you claim that you�ve been here, since when? ..."
Spring In New York (3 Haiku)
"Calendar says spring,
But the weather disagrees.
Hope they work it out. ..."
Interactive Taxes "Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After all, it's April 14th..."
Is It Spring Yet? (Limerick)
"We are having a foul-weather bout�
Lots of snow, sleet, and hail�not a drought. ..."
Happy Birthday To Me "Friday, September 11th was my birthday � one of those traumatizing, ends-with-zero birthdays. So I told my husband Mark that, unless he wanted me to be a basket case on nine-eleven, he�d better plan something good. ..."
June Down The Drain "June in New York�s been a wash-out this year. So I�ve written both a limerick and a haiku about our rainy weather. ...�
The Joys Of Winter (Limerick)
"It was windy and snowy. I stumbled.
Then I fell and my keys and phone tumbled ..."
The Up Side Of Winter "Here�s another limerick about our recent New York snow and ice storm: ..."
Wintry Woes (Limerick)
"In winter, a job I�d not pick
Is wielding an ice pick, when sick. ..."
Bill O'Reilly's Faux War On Christmas Song Parody (Sing to "Get Me To The Church On Time")
"Bill says we're waging war on Christmas,
Spouting another Fox News lie.
Bill's rarely proper.
Loves telling whoppers.
Ain't nothing that his fans won't buy..."
Auld Lang Impeachment -- Song Parody (Sing to "Auld Lang Syne")
"Bush/Cheney's wrongs won't be forgot.
Each one we'll keep in mind.
These evil men must be locked up
For all their many crimes.
They spied on U.S. citizens.
They lied us into war..."
AMT Owed Ode -- Tax Poem "The AMT's a sneaky tax.
Though meant to snare the wealthy,
It burdens workers to the max. ..."
Taxing Memories Did you get it together and file your tax returns on time? If not, you aren't alone. Every year, the IRS is swamped with extension requests ranging from the routine to the bizarre. Sometimes it even publicizes some of the wilder excuses, two of which featured wildlife. Who would have thought "My ocelot ate my tax forms," would work..."
Happy Presidents' Day? "It�s Presidents� Day, but I�m glum,
Cause our President�s worse than a bum. ..."
February Bashing February fans find something good to say about this less than fabulous month.
