Dubya's modus operandi
Has become quite clear.
Conj'ring up a looming crisis
And inciting deep fear.
First he did it with those weapons
That do not exist,
Scaring up support for war with
Bogus claims and clenched fist.
Dubya's latest terror tactic
Features S.S. lies,
Claiming bankruptcy is near and
His "reforms" are quite wise.
Will our nation once again be
Taken in by George Dub?
Or will citizens awaken
And impeach the evil Shrub?
Time's running out to cast your votes in in About.com political humor contest. I'm nominated in two catogories: Best Ongoing Parody and Best Blog. Please vote for Mad Kane so I can avoid abject humiliation. Thanks!
December 24, 2004 (The "No Comment" Chorus; Bye-Bye Bernie; Liberal Laughs)
As Norm over at One Good Move points out, Bush seems proud to have found a new way to evade press questions. But Dubya's latest line, declining to "negotiate with myself in public," is far from new. Oddly enough (considering Bush's trial lawyer vendetta), I heard (and used) that phrase countless times during settlement negotiations back in my lawyering days.
So Bush clearly needs a novel way to say "no comment." And I have just the thing, provided Bush is willing to sing. Here are some fresh lyrics for the chorus of Stephen Foster's Old Black Joe:
No comment.
No comment.
You'll get nothing apropos.
Don't care to answer any queries.
No means no!
Jess at LOSLI has inspired me. If he can name his own blog award winners, why can't I? After all, it's one thing for me to suggest some worthy Koufax nominees, and it's quite another for me to pick the winners myself. So without further ado, here are Mad Kane's Official 2004 Mad Blogger Award Winners:
December 17, 2004 (Spelling Is Hard Work; Here's Who I Nominated for a Koufax Award)
This hilarious Bush photo proves that spelling is hard work. Or perhaps it just proves that spelling's been left behind. Faith-based spelling, anybody?
Yesterday afternoon I heard an Air America Radio sound clip of Bush sounding off on our surging trade deficit. Bush's statement was even sillier than this poem:
Bush To The Rescue By Madeleine Begun Kane
Our huge trade deficit's no big deal.
According to Bush, it's easy to heal.
The fix is simple to put in play:
Just buy stuff made in the USA.
And here in all its glory is Bush's ludicrous trade deficit quote: "That's easy to resolve. People can buy more United States products if they're worried about the trade deficit."
If you live in the New Hampshire radio listening area (radio stations WGIR AM, WGIP AM, or WGIN AM) and happen to be awake during the wee hours this Friday morning, I'll be doing a live radio interview for roughly fifteen minutes starting 6:38 AM. My topic isn't political humor, though. It's this. Now all I have to do is figure out how to be amusing at 6:38 AM.
Update: My Charlie Sherman show interview on the trials and tribulations of holiday office parties went well. Both host Charlie Sherman and news director Angela Anderson were delightful interviewers, although they did seem strangely psyched for their upcoming radio station office party. I recommended feigning the flu.
A Koufax mention would be great.
'T'would almost make the day begin.
A word or two would be a boon.
I'd thank you night and noon.
Big smiles, no frowns, huge ups, few downs.
A Koufax plug's the cat's meow.
To leave me out would be a sin.
I surf the web for inspiration.
I poke fun at right-wing twits,
Mocking Bush and Co each day with songs and rhymes and wit.
A Koufax mention would be sweet,
Though Fafblog can't be beat.
A mention would be great!
December 10, 2004 (About.com Political Dot-Comedy Award Nominees; MadKane Nominated in Best Blog & Best Parodies Categories)
I'm very pleased to report that I'm a nominee in two categories in this year's About.com Political Dot-Comedy Awards competition. My political humor as a whole is nominated in the Best Parodies (Ongoing Achievement) category and this weblog is one of 5 nominees in the Best Blog category. Competition's stiff, as usual, and I could really use some voting help to avoid abject humiliation.
Jeez, Wonkette? How exactly does one compete with Wonkette? Anyway, as you can see, I need all the help I can get. So if you have time, I'd really appreciate your voting for me in one or both categories here. Thanks!
And even if you're not in a voting mood, I'll bet you enjoy visiting the terrific nominees in categories including Best Web Cartoons, Best Satirical News, Best Election Parody, Best Bush Humor, Best Print Comic Strip, and Best Late-Night TV Comedy. You may even find some new (to you) humor sites to help you survive 2005.
Whenever friends ask me what I love about my hometown, Bayside, Queens, I launch into a monologue about its warm, friendly people, ethnic diversity, 24-hour stores, and convenience to Manhattan. From there I segue into restaurant reviews, extolling the virtues of Bayside's Bell Boulevard eateries. My enthusiasm is so contagious, I soon have my audience contemplating a move. Until I blow it by enthusing about the Starbucks on Northern Boulevard, two blocks from my house.
"That yuppie hangout is taking over the world," one friend mutters in disgust.
"I guess you'll have to move," says another.
"I like Starbucks," I protest. "Besides, having one practically next door makes me feel more secure."
I should probably fess up to being a cappuccino fiend. I'm so hooked on the stuff, that I own not one, but two pricey espresso/cappuccino makers. And I'm even thinking about buying a third ... just in case...
Is There A Reader In The House? By Madeleine Begun Kane
Republicans have quite a scam:
They load their bills with pork and ham,
And sneak in clauses quite unfair,
Whose merits aren't even aired.
They pull this off quite easily:
They give our Reps no time to read.
Some vote for stuff they can't abide,
Before the bill's red ink has dried.
And when they're caught they just declare:
"I did not know that clause was there.
I'm not to blame. There was no time
To read the thing. Is that a crime?"
"We'll fix it later on for sure,"
They say, while plotting more manure
To add to bills they plan to pass.
Republicans can kiss my ass.
An important aside: According to the AP article about Baird's proposal, Republicans have responded with their usual the-Democrats-did-it-when-they-were-running-things defense. It would have been nice had the AP reporter explored the accuracy of this charge, instead of just blandly citing it. Then again, that would have required actual investigative reporting.
November 17, 2004 (Ode To Alberto; Fabulosa Condoleezza; Robot Cockroaches)
I just heard an Air America Radio sound clip of Senator Patrick Leahy proclaiming that Alberto Gonzales "is no Attila The Hun." I feel so much better now. Don't you?
Ode To Alberto By Madeleine Begun Kane
Will the Dems roll over
And give Gonzales a pass?
Will anyone but Ted critique
His sordid past?
Fond of death, pro-torture,
As his sadistic briefs show.
Tell Leahy and his cohorts they
Should just say no.
I'm so sick of religious hypocrisy and holier-than-thou hawks, I want to throw something. But the only thing in reach is a computer too pricey to replace. So instead, I'll write a poem:
Hail To The Hawks By Madeleine Begun Kane
Religious talk
Of morals and faith
Spews forth from hawks,
Engendering hate.
Hypocrisy,
Harsh, bigoted speech,
Fake piety,
Their morals impeach.
Some think the Lord
Picked President Dub.
If God picked George,
Then God is a thug.
Phew! I feel much better now, and I hope you do too.
But Does He Like Naked Statues? By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Geneva Conventions are quaint,
Said Gonzales. A scholar, he ain't.
But he's Dub's nominee
For the post of AG,
Where no doubt he will rule sans restraint.
During his first post-election press conference, Bush announced plans to spend political capital, now that he's finished pissing away the regular kind.
How I fantasized about formally retiring my (now sporadic) Dubya's Dayly Diary at the same time we formally retired Bush. But alas, that's not happening nearly as soon as I'd hoped.
Anyway, I'm not sure how long I can keep going inside Bush's head without giving myself permanent brain damage. So I haven't decided how long I'll keep my Bush diary feature going.
But I did interrupt my post-election mourning period to ghost-write a new entry for him.
October 28, 2004 (Dub's Debate Bulge -- A New Wrinkle; Liberal Laughs)
When it comes to his infamous debate bulge, Dubya can't seem to get his cover story straight. On Tuesday, Bush went on ABC's "Good Morning America" and attributed the bulge to a "poorly made shirt." Of course, as Jeralyn Merritt over at TalkLeft points out, his shirt line is at odds with the old explanation, helpfully (and implausibly) provided by Bush's tailor, Georges de Paris. De Paris blamed it on a pucker that came from the jacket's back seam. Which brings me to this:
Georgie Dub still won't divulge
The truth behind that telltale bulge.
Now he's blaming malformed shirts,
And not his suits. What's next? His skirts?
That all sounds right to me. But on the other hand, perhaps we're just seeing an example of compassionate conservatism:
Feigning righteous indignation,
Rightwing zealots spout and yell:
How dare Kerry mention Mary!
'Tis enough she's bound for hell.
Speaking of the Cheney family, Matt Langdon has written Fake Indignation to be "sung Bob-Dylan-style to the music of The Traveling Wilburys' song 'Congratulations.'"
Thanks to a link from Matt Stoller, I nearly lost my lunch visiting the White House Holiday pages. Unfortunately, the White House overlooked this important holiday tune. I hope you'll enjoy singing my "Bush and Cheney Horrorland" to "Winter Wonderland," using this midi link:
Bush and Cheney Horrorland (Sing to "Winter Wonderland")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
People die, for no reason.
People starve, 'tis the season.
A terrible blight,
Each night after night,
In the Bush and Cheney Horrorland.
A media co. named Sinclair,
Has decreed that its stations must air,
Something jam-packed with lies.
Rove's October surprise?
Tell those stations you think it's unfair.
Some think that George Dubya was wired,
While debates with John Kerry transpired.
But he spoke oh so badly,
And acted so madly.
If true, then those wires misfired.
Since the third debate between George Bush and John Kerry will be focusing on domestic issues, Bush will surely brag about NCLB and his purported education accomplishments during Wednesday night's festivities. Unfortunately, Dubya's education reform is a miserable failure, which leads me to my latest song parody. Feel free to sing "The Education President Song" to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow (chorus only), using this midi link.
Education President Song (Sing to "I Write The Songs")
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bush promised parents that he'd fix our schools.
That he'd make sure their children didn't turn out fools.
But all the teachers got were lots of rules.
Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.
(Fridge Break)
NCLB is packed with many flaws.
Unfunded mandates are against the law.
Our education bucks were used for war.
Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.
(Bathroom Break)
Dub's Education Sec has no respect
For teacher's unions. Called them terrorists.
Dub's education law is quite the mess.
Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.
(Cocktail Break)
An education prez, Bush claims to be.
He doesn't even know his A B C's.
Our children need to be NCLB-free.
Let's right his wrongs, let's right his wrongs.
October 8, 2004 (Cheney v. Edwards Debate Limericks; This & That)
I thought I'd commemorate the Cheney v. Edwards debate with a pair of limericks:
There once was a Veep named Dick,
Whose actions made liberals sick.
He took us to war.
We don't know what for.
His slippery reasons don't stick.
There once was a Veep named Dick Cheney,
Who conducted himself inhumanely.
He debated John Edwards
With lies and no cred words.
A man with a devious brain, he.
I can't wait to watch Edwards beat the pants off Cheney tonight. Of course after Edwards' win, Drudge and his fellow wingnuts will undoubtedly make some spurious cheating claim. Perhaps they'll say he violated the debate rules by looking too cute. Or that he cheated by using sneaky lawyer tricks. Or that he smuggled in a pen with magical powers. After all, we know from the Bush/Kerry debate that wingnuts are sore losers.
Sore Loser Limerick By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a man named George Dub,
Who debated and mis'rably flubbed.
He was beat fair and square,
But false claims were soon aired
By those sore-loser, cry-babe Repubs.
As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, MadKane.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as "Debate Throat."
TOP SECRET ADDENDUM TO ELECTION 2004 DEBATE AGREEMENT, entered into on September 20, 2004 by President George W. Bush (hereinafter referred to as "Bush") and Senator John F. Kerry (hereinafter referred to as "Kerry")
WHEREAS, The interesting thing about being the President is you don't have to explain things;
WHEREAS, If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier; and
WHEREAS, Bush and Kerry have entered into a Debate Agreement and wish to modify it and memorialize certain secret debate terms.
NOW, THEREFORE, Bush and Kerry hereby agree to the following top secret provisions:
1. Kerry shall be required to answer all debate questions in French.
2. Bush shall be required to answer all debate questions in English.
3. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Bush shall feature several U.S. flags, the precise number of which is subject to further negotiation.
4. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Kerry shall feature a map of Massachusetts and two life-size photos of Kerry with Jane Fonda.
5. During the debates, Kerry shall address Bush as "Mr. President" or, if Kerry so elects, "Monsieur President."
6. During the debates, Bush shall address Kerry as "Senator Kerry" or, if Bush so elects, "Senator Flip-Flop."
7. Bush may, if he so chooses, elevate his torso by sitting on one or more padded telephone books. Alternatively, he may debate atop his mountain bike.
8. Kerry may, at his sole option, fluff up his hair, provided that Kerry's hair elevation shall not exceed 1.2 inches above scalp level.
9. Both Bush and Kerry may, but shall not be required to, wear a hat while debating (hereinafter referred to as "optional head-wear.") Bush's optional head-wear shall be a cowboy hat, and Kerry's optional head-wear shall be a beret.
10. Both Bush and Kerry shall wear business attire during debates one and two. However, during the third debate Bush may, if he so elects, wear a flight jacket, and Kerry may, if he so elects, where whatever garb he wears when he windsurfs.
11. All debate attendees shall be required to sign Bush/Cheney loyalty oaths, including all members of the media, except those employed by Fox.
12. Notwithstanding paragraph 11, Dan Rather shall be excluded from each debate, unless a panel of 6 experts unanimously confirms that his Bush/Cheney loyalty oath is not a forgery.
13. If Bush does not wish to answer any given question, he shall so indicate by saying "I'm glad you asked me that question," at which point the questioner shall thank him for his excellent answer and pose the same question to Kerry.
14. Kerry shall be required to sigh at least three times per debate. Moreover, additional sighs shall be required if any cameraman misses the shot.
15. Bush shall not be asked any question that requires him to pronounce the words nuclear, solidarity and/or Abu Ghraib.
16. In the event Kerry is declared the winner of any debate, Bush shall be entitled to a recount.
SIGNATURES: _______________ (President George W. Bush) _______________ (Senator John F. Kerry)
