December 31, 2005 (Separated At Birth: Judy Miller & ...; Yippee! I won!)
For months I've been puzzling over who Judy Miller reminds me of, and I've finally figured it out -- Harriet Sansom Harris, from Frasier and Desperate Housewives:
Bill O'Reilly's Faux War On Christmas -- Song Parody (Sing to Get Me To The Church On Time)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bill says we're waging war on Christmas,
Spouting another Fox News lie.
Bill's rarely proper.
Loves telling whoppers.
Ain't nothing that his fans won't buy.
Bill claims we're screwing blessed Christmas.
We're greeting people wrong, he cries.
Not saying merry,
Christmas is very,
Belligerent and most unwise.
O'Reilly's nasty, and quite the bore.
Too bad that Fox won't kick him out the door.
Store signs must twinkle "Merry Christmas."
"Happy" and "holidays" won't do.
Bill makes a rumpus,
With no moral compass.
He leaves truth in the lurch.
O'Reilly goes to church?
He fibs and fabricates and lies on cue.
Bill says we're out to outlaw Christmas.
Some people call its tree a bush!
Bill's not facetious.
Bill's claims are specious.
His reasoning is packed with mush.
Bill says we're out to kill off Christmas.
We're harming symbols so sublime.
Bill's got a vision.
Bill's on a mission:
To battle his faux war prime time.
Is Bill a madman, or just perverse?
It's hard to picture a talk show host who's worse.
Shop lights must twinkle "Merry Christmas."
"Seasons" and "greetings" just won't do.
Bill likes inciting,
And people dividing.
He leaves truth in the lurch.
O'Reilly goes to church?
He fibs and fabricates and lies on cue.
This seems like a good time to mention my holiday humor page which features, among other things,
humorous contracts about holiday office parties, gift giving and New Year's Resolutions.
Lots of political poetry today, but first some news: I'll be on the Cityscape radio show on WFUV, 90.7 FM in New York City on Saturday, December 3rd. It airs at 7:30 A.M. and is also streamed on the Net. And for late risers (like me) it'll be archived at WFUV. (I'll update this entry when the show's been posted there.) The topic's freelancing and the workplace, and my contribution to the fray is reading one of my work related humor pieces,Working Stiffed.
A Congressman Known As Rep. Randy By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Congressman known as Rep. Randy
Found that yacht living's fun and quite dandy.
But the yacht was a loaner.
Mitch Wade was the owner.
Huge bribes from rich pals are quite handy.
A Generous Man Named Mitch Wade By Madeleine Begun Kane
A generous man named Mitch Wade,
For Rep. Randy's home way overpaid.
Though the Rep. nicknamed "Duke"
Claimed at first, it's a fluke,
Duke confessed he the law did evade.
I wrote "Ode To Bob Woodward" and "The GOP Liars Are At It Again" a couple of weeks ago, but somehow forgot to post them.
Ode Bob Woodward By Madeleine Begun Kane
Bob Woodward had an ax to grind
When Plamegate he critiqued.
We've finally learned that Woodward
Was the first to get that leak.
He failed to tell his audience
His viewpoint might be skewed
By personal involvement
When he anti-Fitz talk spewed.
His attitude on conflict rules?
To him they don't apply.
This former journo hero
Has left ethics high and dry.
The GOP Liars Are At It Again, By Madeleine Begun Kane
The GOP liars are at it again,
Besmirching Joe Wilson's good name. They're claiming his loose lips at parties and fetes
Blew the cover of Valerie Plame.
Yet Another Ode To Ann Coulter By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ann Coulter lacks powers of reason,
Claiming Murtha-type Dems commit treason.
So free speech rights don't flow
To George Dub action foes?
Coulter's comments with evil are seasoned.
An Unscrupulous Fellow Named Jack By Madeleine Begun Kane
An unscrupulous fellow named Jack
Has deep ties with Republican hacks.
Now that Mike's telling tales,
And Jack Abramoff's nailed,
We shall soon have a jailed wingnut stack.
This seems like a good time to mention my holiday humor page which features, among other things,
humorous contracts about holiday office parties, gift giving and New Year's Resolutions.
A Rep From Ohio Named Jean By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Rep from Ohio named Jean
Called John Murtha a coward. How mean!
The Dems were quite riled
At her unprovoked bile.
She beat Hackett? How sad and obscene!
A Rep From Ohio Quite Dour By Madeleine Begun Kane
A Rep from Ohio quite dour
Had the nerve to call Murtha a coward.
She was forced to back off it.
Her seat she should forfeit.
I can't wait till Ms. Schmidt's disempowered.
I've also written a limerick about wack-job Pat Robertson who, when Dover, Pennsylvania voters removed �intelligent design" aficionados from their school board,
proclaimed that God might forsake Dover because of their vote:
Pat Robertson Does Dover By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Dover folks showed their defiance,
When they nixed ID preaching with science.
Then Pat Robertson freaked:
God won't save you, he shrieked.
If you're stricken, just skip prayer reliance.
And speaking of holidays, do you have any exciting Thanksgiving plans? I expect this Thursday will be very similar to last year's Thanksgiving festivities.
Now that Harriet Miers' office has announced mandatoryethicsclasses for all White House EOP staffers, I guess we're supposed to forget about Libby's indictment and Karl Rove's ethical transgressions.
Of course, these classes are nothing more than window dressing designed to dupe us into thinking Bush gives a damn about ethics.
How do I know this? A top secret White House source leaked this Harriet Miers memo to me, in a MadKane.com exclusive:
From: [email protected] To: All EOP Staffers
Subject: Ethics Classes
Date: November 3, 2005
Dear Staffers To the Smartest Man in the Whole World:
As you've probably heard, we've had a teensy glitch in the classified document leaks department: A certain fellow, who shall remain nameless, has been naughty lately, and the press is all over us.
Now we'd usually just ignore this sort of thing, but our cool Prez's poll numbers are in the pits. So we clearly have to send out a "we care about ethics" message, to get the {scatological expletive deleted} media off our Great Leader's back.
Here's what we're gonna do. I'll be holding ethics classes during the next two weeks, and you all have to come. Boooooooring!!! -- yes, I know. But I promise my class'll be really, really short. And needless to say, there won't be a test. Of course there will a gazillion page questionnaire.
Just kidding! HAHAHA!
As an extra inducement, I'll devote 95% of each session to a talk I like to call "Get The Government To Pay You Tons Of Money For Real Estate With Almost No Money Down." Which is a whole lot more interesting than ethics ... or constitutional law ... if ya know what I mean.
After all, a little birdie tells me many of you will be hiring criminal lawyers real soon ... and those guys are PRICEY!!! So the time to sock some cash away is NOW -- Big Time!
Please check the attached schedule to see which slot you've got, and be there or be square!
PS Here's a sneak preview of next week's briefing: Do not leak this memo!
Some Say That Reid's Act Was A Stunt By Madeleine Begun Kane
Some say that Reid's act was a stunt,
Just a rude and unfair Frist affront.
But by closing the Senate,
Reid followed a tenet:
For truth, Dems must stay on the hunt.
Now that Harriet Miers is back doing whatever it is she does best (writing Bush mash notes and covering his tracks?) Bush has a new nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. And I'm afraid he's just the sort of extremist judge we feared a weakened Bush would come up with - 3rd Circuit JudgeSamuelAlito. And that means it's time for some limericks:
There Once Was A Judge Named Alito By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a judge named Alito,
Who's often called Judge Sam Scalito.
He's fond of state powers.
At labor he glowers.
The Dems must Alito's name veto.
An Anti-Choice Judge Who's Named Sam By Madeleine Begun Kane
An anti-choice judge who's named Sam
Tells the poor and the weak they should scram.
If he takes Sandra's place,
All our rights he'll erase,
And the wingnuts will have a grand slam.
Alito's A Yale Law School Grad By Madeleine Begun Kane
Alito's a Yale Law School grad,
Whose rulings are right-wingnut rad.
He disdains civil rights.
For the big guns, he fights.
On the bench he is far worse than bad.
An Anti-Choice Judge Named Alito By Madeleine Begun Kane
An anti-choice judge named Alito,
Whose votes show a pro-corp'rate credo,
Often rules on the fringes,
In far right-wing binges.
Let's replace his court robes with tuxedos.
Ms. Miller Has Written Her Tale By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ms. Miller has written her tale,
And as tales go, it's rather a whale.
Her memory's convenient,
On Libby she's lenient.
What a shame that she got out of jail!
There Once Was A Writer Named Miller By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a writer named Miller,
Whose war mong'ring stories were killers.
The New York Times backed her,
Despite her detractors,
And now it's no longer a pillar.
There Once Was A News Gal Named Judy By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a news gal named Judy,
Who failed in her journalist duty.
The facts she ignored.
She misled us to war,
Turning tax bucks to war profits booty.
A Journo Named Judy Was Jailed By Madeleine Begun Kane
A journo named Judy was jailed,
For refusing to share secret tales.
Judy finally talked,
Having previously balked.
But on key points her memory "failed."
As his relationship with Condi Rice proves, Bush likes working with musical women. So it's not surprising that Harriet Miers has expressed her schoolgirl crush on Bush in song:
You are the best Prez in the land.
That�s why I always shall be loyal.
You are the smartest living man.
I just can't wait to join the Court.
I feel reborn each time you're winning,
Cause I�ve loved you for a million years.
And if I thought your reign was ending,
I�d find myself buried in briefs and tears.
You are the best Prez we have had.
That�s why I'm blessed to be your friend.
Your twins have such a way cool dad.
I just can't wait to join the Court.
You surely know I'll do your bidding.
And I will come to your rescue.
Cause when I've joined those Sup Court heathens,
I'll make sure the law matches all your views.
You make me feel like a young girl.
That's why I'll always stand your ground.
You are the best Prez in the world.
And I can't wait to join your Court.
By nominating Harriet Miers to the U.S. Supreme Court, George Bush makes it clear that he's failed to learn the lesson of Katrina: Don't name unqualified cronies to important posts.
Oddly enough, right-wingers seem to be complaining more bitterly about Miers' lack of qualifications than left-wingers. Though something tells me that Miers' thin resume wouldn't bother the right nearly so much, if she were a surefire right-wing zealot. Don't believe me? Just think Clarence "Pubic Hair" Thomas.
And now it's time for some poems:
Bush Named The Unqualified Miers By Madeleine Begun Kane
Okay, I'm trying very hard not to get overly excited or optimistic about this. But rumors are flying that
indictments are about to be handed down in Plamegate a/k/a Rovegate a/k/a Traitorgate. And while this Plame investigation Reuters story doesn't go that far, it certainly indicates that the winding down of the investigation is heating up.
They Thomas DeLay Did Indict By Madeleine Begun Kane
They Thomas DeLay did indict,
And that filled me with joy and delight.
They've replaced him with Blunt,
In an antigay punt,
So corruption still has a green light.
