Does one wrong turn render you hopelessly lost? If so, you may want to check out the new hot feature in automobiles: navigation systems. But before you buy one, be sure to take it out for a test talk.

The following exchange, swiped from the files of Excelsior Motors, could aid you in your purchasing decisions.

Mr. Cal Johnson, V.P.
Excelsior Motors
Anytown, USA

Dear Mr. Johnson:

I recently acquired an Excelsior Deluxe Easy Navigator ("EDEN") and have been generally pleased with its fine sense of direction. So it is with regret that I call your attention to a small but irritating flaw. The EDEN, not content to limit itself to standard commands such as "Please turn left" or the urgent yet diplomatic "Turn left now," addresses me in terms that can be only described as impertinent. "Turn left, you fool," for example, and several others too rude to mention.

Sincerely,

James P. Richman III

To: All EDEN Programmers
From: Cal Johnson, Your Unhappy Boss

Okay, which of you jokesters has been playing around with the navigation program? I want its vocabulary cleaned up pronto!

To: Unhappy Boss
From: Pete in Programming
Re: Good News/Bad News

I was able to debug the "fool" bit plus "What idiotic civil servant gave you a license to drive?" and "Congratulations. You parked less than a mile from the curb." But I need more time to fix "If you don't slow down, I'm gonna call the cops."

Dear Mr. Richman:

Please allow me to extend our sincere apologies for EDEN's inexcusable rudeness. Unfortunately, an overzealous programmer was so intent on achieving directional precision that he lost sight of the importance of etiquette.

Let me assure you that this problem has been solved. Your future trips will not only be mapped by the best the computer world has to offer, but they will also be free of insolent and/or otherwise inappropriate comments.

Sincerely,

Cal Johnson

Dear Mr. Johnson:

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. I regret to report, however, that EDEN's insolence continues unabated. While it has finally mastered the simple "Turn left" and "Continue straight" commands, it insists upon commenting on confidential spousal conversations. Just yesterday, my wife said, "This is our turnoff." Before I could correct her, EDEN said, "Listen to your wife, you directionless boob. And, while you're at it, let her drive so we can get through this alive."

To make matters worse, EDEN deliberately sent me to a "self-service only" gas station. And when spewing gas destroyed my $3,500 suit, it laughed and said, "Keep your greasy hands to yourself."

If this problem is not immediately resolved, I will be forced to demand a replacement car that doesn't talk back.

Sincerely,

James P. Richman III

Dear Mr. Richman:

Once again, I offer our sincere apologies. Please know that more than a dozen software engineers have been working around the clock to solve your problem. I am embarrassed to admit, however, that they are completely stumped. Accordingly, we hereby offer you a complete refund or, in lieu of same, credit toward a new navigator-system-free vehicle. Please let me know your preference, and I will make the necessary arrangements.

Again, our heartfelt apologies.

Sincerely,

Cal Johnson, V. P.

Dear Mr. Johnson:

Disappointed as I am by your inability to solve this problem, I thank you for your refund offer. I will not, however, be returning the EDEN. My wife has grown inexplicably fond of it.

Sincerely,

James P. Richman III

Dear Mr. Johnson:

I must request immediate reassignment to another owner. While Mrs. Richman is a sweet woman, her husband absolutely refuses to take direction.

Sincerely,

EDEN

P.S. In designing next year's model, I strongly recommend that you eliminate the Human Driver Option.

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