I'm pleased to announce the launch of MadKane Chats. This exciting new series will feature online interviews with people so starved for publicity, they return my calls.

I wanted my first guest to be someone who dominates the world of computers. So who better to invite than Bill Gates? Unfortunately he hung up on me, mumbling something about my May 15th column and a lawsuit.

My other top choices had similar reactions. "I'd rather spend the day with my in-laws," was a common refrain.

Things were looking pretty bleak, until I remembered that TV ingenues rarely stay married long enough to have in-laws. So I invited Ditzy Clueless, star of the new hit TV series WebMaster of the Universe.

MadKane: Good evening Ditzy Clueless and welcome to MadKane Chats.

Clueless: Please call me Ditz.

MadKane: Okay, Ditz. First I must tell you -- we all love your show.

Clueless: Thanks. Me too.

MadKane: What first attracted you to the role?

Clueless: The title -- WebMaster -- it's so yummy and really really powerful sounding.

MadKane: Anything else?

Clueless: Yeah, it pays really really well.

MadKane: Did you have to do anything special to prepare yourself to play a web superhero?

Clueless: And how! They made me take a really really hard typing course.

MadKane: That sounds challenging.

Clueless: Yeah! Plus they made me cut my nails. I almost turned down the role because of that -- I really really loved my nails.

MadKane: What a shame! But at least your typing is coming in handy right now. You seemed to have "mastered" it.

Clueless: Huh? Oh no -- I failed the course. But my stunt typist is helping me out.

MadKane: You use a stunt typist?

Clueless: Uh-huh. I wanted to do my own typing. But there was some problem with insurance.

MadKane: How disappointing! Tell us about next week's episode.

Clueless: It's really really good. I have a top secret government mission.

MadKane: Sounds intriguing!

Clueless: It really really is. I'm the only one in the world who can solve the FBI's servant problems.

MadKane: Ummm, don't you mean server problems?

Clueless: I don't think so.

MadKane: Let's move on. What else can you tell us about the show?

Clueless: I discover the system was blown out by a malfunctioning vacuum cleaner. Oops! I probably shouldn't have told you the ending. Can we start over?

MadKane: I'm afraid not. This is a live web chat.

Clueless: It is? Then where are the cameras?

MadKane: This is cyberspace. We don't need cameras -- we use cable and phone lines.

Clueless: I don't understand.

MadKane: Okay, you're on to me -- we use hidden cameras.

Clueless: Wow! You people are good!

MadKane: Thanks. Well, that's it for today. I'm sorry we didn't have time for questions from our web audience.

Clueless: There's an audience? Why can't I see them?

MadKane: There's no audience -- I was only kidding. Thanks so much for joining us, Ditzy Clueless.

Clueless: It was really really fun. And please watch my show next week on ... ummmm ...

MadKane: Tuesday, 8 PM Eastern on NBC?

Clueless: I think so. Wait, let me call my publicist.

MadKane: Sorry, no time. I hope you all enjoyed today's chat. Please join me next month when I talk to someone who actually knows something about the Internet.

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