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July 3, 2001

Dear Diary -- I proposed a compromised oil lease plan yesterday on accounta the House & Jeb turnin into greeny weenies. Jeb was kickin up a real big fuss, even threatenin to ruin my July 4th weekend if I didn't give him what he wanted. The lucky guy -- he's up in Maine already -- he can take longer vacations then me cause he's only a governor.

Speakin of vacations, Dick is just amazin -- he came right back to work after his ticker op insteada takin off. He even went to a bookstore the day after surgery though I can't imagine why.

If it was me, I'd be down at the ranch fishin & takin it easy fer as long as I could stretch it. Of course it could never be me -- I'm in great shape cause I know how to care for myself. But Dick couldn't do a jumpin jack if keepin his energy meetins secret depended on it!

Dick's sure in a bad mood -- snappin even worse than usual. When Ari asked him if he was reeeeeeeely okay, he said I'm not plannin to pass out while givin a speech. That sure shut Ari up.

I'm lookin forward to a long holiday weekend with the folks. Which reminds me -- I had a nice time visitin the Jefferson Memorial in honor of the 4th though I did it on the 2nd. I can't wait to have my own Memorial!

July 8, 2001

Dear Diary -- I'm headin back to DC later today after spendin quality golfin & horseshoin time at Kennysomethinorother. I still don't understand how Poppy can live in such a hard to spell town.

Speakena spellin, Poppy made me show him the diary & yelled at me for skippin a coupla entries. I thought this was supposeta be a vacation!

Then he read a months worth & yelled some more & told Jeb to do something with it. But Jeb said I'm not cleanin up any more of that golf cheater's messes.

So then Poppy made me promise to start playin fair, to write better diary stuff, & to remember that George Dubya Bush isn't a nation. It turns out I called myself the nation when I was talkin impromptulike at the Jefferson Memorial. I don't see what the big deal is - people think it's real cute when I talk funny.

Poppy's not the only one bein a big nag. Ari says Jews are mad cause I keep mentionin churches and charities and leavin out sinnergogs. So now I haveta be more inclusive even tho they use funny bibles and have the wrong values. Why can't I just do a coupla photo ops?

Oh well, at least I had a nice birthday and got a real cool 43 baseball cap from Poppy to match his 41. Tho I coulda done without the gag dictionary gift from the twins. They didn't make it up here this weekend cause Jenna was busy gettin her driver's license suspended.

July 10, 2001

Dear Diary -- All my hard work is payin off! A coupla reporter guys caught me this weekend with a wet tee and said I looked real buff. Hmmm, I hope those guys aren't homos!

Anyway, I checked myself out in a long mirror this mornin & sure enuff they're right -- I am buff! And if I cross my arms just the right way, I get some major muscle action. All the girls who wouldn't date me in high school should see me now!

I never thought I'd be glad to have a vacation over with, but this time I am. Vacationin with Poppy is exhaustin -- especially his speed golfin. Plus the whole time he kept lecturin me on foreign policy even though I told him I have aids to worry bout annoyin details like that.

Another birthday weekend bummer was havin to talk business with Ari and Putin. This job is just amazin -- it won't stop followin me round. I sure wish someone woulda warned me bout that.

Oh well, at least I have a 3 week vacation at the ranch happenin in August. And I'm keepin Poppy, Condy, Ari, & Karl far, far away. And no calls from Putin neither! Eighteen whole days to be carefree and thoughtless!

July 12, 2001

Dear Diary -- I'm not allowed to cancel any more NY trips, so Tuesday I went to the Rotten Apple. HRC flew up with me, even tho Lott & the others warned me to stay far away from her. They said she has some kinda weird power & if I wasn't real careful I'd end up likin her. And they were right. That woman must be a witch!

The trip went pretty well except for my migrant speech where I screwed up the Pledge of Allegiance arm position. Whoever didn't remind me about the hand on the heart business should be fired!

And while I'm at it, I'd sure like to fire the trouble-makin reporter who asked me how I like New York. Everyone knows I hate New York almost as much as I hate the State of New England.

I tried to change the subject diplomaticlike by sayin it was a beautiful day. But then Giuliani gave me one of his mean scary looks & I hadda say I love New York. I was crossin my fingers the whole time!!

July 13, 2001

Dear Diary -- I met with House GOPers Wednesday & spoke with passion bout a whole buncha stuff. Mostly, I reminded em to push my agenda and stick it to the Senate Dems. But a lotta them are worried bout reelection & think my policies will get em punished at the polls. I said keep cool -- you'll be reelected easy in three and a half years. For some reason, that didn't make em feel better.

So far, Phase 1 of my "Make Seniors Think We're Helping Them" plan is goin real well. The drug discount card proposal is gettin so much attention, nobody even noticed the disappearin lockbox. For Phase 2 we'll probably launch our "Clip Coupons & Bring Back Green Stamps" campaign. And if we need another distraction we'll remind seniors not to waste their frequent flyer miles.

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