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Office Party Contract   New Year's Resolutions Contract

As a recovering attorney, I feel it's my duty to write the occasional lawyer spoof. Wherefore, I hereby offer "That's What The Law's About." Feel free to sing it to "The Hokey Pokey."

You have to dot those i's.
You've got to cross those t's.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you're smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That's what the law's about.

You have to file those claims.
You've got to sue those stiffs.
You have to shift the blame,
With no ands or buts or ifs.
And if you're bright and plucky
You will turn your case around.
That's what the law's about.

You've got to prep those briefs
And make them long and dense,
And prove your clients' beefs,
Even if they make no sense.
Be sure to play your cards right,
And a winner you'll be found.
That's what the law's about.

You have to seem real smart,
As if you know it all.
Recite Fed Code by heart.
Always make good judgment calls.
And if you do your homework,
Your opponents will be trounced.
That's what the law's about.

Must keep that meter on.
And never turn it off.
Yes even in the john,
Or they'll think you're going soft.
Your client might just pay you,
If a winner he is crowned.
That's what the law's about.

So keep that Lexis near,
Right on your 'puter screen.
And soon you'll have no peer.
What a genius you will seem!
And if you're most convincing,
Your opponents you will pound.
That's what the law's about.

Go tell the judge you're right.
Show where and why and how.
And be prepared to fight.
Let them never see you cowed.
And if you argue sharply,
Other lawyers will be wowed.
That's what the law's about.

You've got to win, win, win,
With logic, brains, and clout.
To lose is such a sin.
Let there never be a doubt.
In deals and litigation
You must rub the en'my out.
That's what the law's about.

UPDATE: Due to the miracle of interactivity, there's a brand new stanza.

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